To be brutally honest, as I have began to seriously pray for my husband I am convicted of some pretty major things.
1. My fear. I am afraid and I as I pray I see how much of my words are driven by fear and doubt about Gabriel and about what God has given me. I know God has given me my perfect fit but daily I do not believe this and continually doubt the gift I have been given.
2. Releasing him. I am struggling with letting Gabriel fail or fall. I find myself praying that he would not fall and then am left wondering if that is infact God's plan for him. If it is would I be okay with that?
3. LOVE. I love Gabriel deeply as I am sure you as wives do too. I am asking and seeking that this loved would be refined. I am learning and realizing that so much of my love is actually superficial and not biblical. OUCH.
4. I am scared to trust and leave my life in Gabriel's hands.
5. I am finding it hard to put this out there, knowing that many will read this ... but I doubt. I doubt everything. I doubt that Gabriel is for me. I doubt .................. I DOUBT.
Then Day 6 comes.... I realize that I am sinning by doubting and not loving, holding to tight, fearing.... I see where Satan has been using me to destroy all that we have been given. I am writing this so that when the 31 days are over I can be reminded of where I am struggling and not let Satan reign.
I have been journaling my prayers and love reading of how I am working each days prayer out in my life. I struggled huge with Day 5.. actually putting it off until right before I began day 6. Do I know why? No but it scared me.
Mark 10:27
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."
It's been tough hasn't it? And the funny thing for me is that I should have known that Satan would come in and quietly try to undermine everything we're doing in such a way that we wouldn't notice, we would just give in to the doubts and fail.
ReplyDeleteI think the best part is actually seeing what he is doing and acknowledging where those doubts are coming from, because once you do you know how to fight it.
We had a good day today, no fighting and yes, felt much better. Just taking it one day at a time :) *hugs*
Thanks for the encouragement! It was refreshing to actually acknowledge my doubts/fears and such and not let them defeat me. My mind plays games with me and I get caught up in the what ifs...:( Today was also a better day for me. Hubby is away for 2 weeks so there was no fighting on this end
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